Two nights ago I had an opportunity to explore the realm of Microsoft’s “Windows Genuine Advantage” bullshit — their soft and friendly name for their *fucking draconian anti-piracy authentication and validation suite*. It seems like almost every month (sometimes even more frequently) the company ships yet another update (in case you’re wondering, Windows only runs on bare metal now on one machine of mine full-time — an older Acer laptop that I used to run Linux on until I loaned it to a friend; it got re-imaged back to XP for her use, and since it came back I haven’t had time to put Linux back on it) to the veritable “prove you haven’t stolen from us, bastard!” toolkit.

Here’s the amusing part. A few weeks ago, some friends handed me an older laptop that was seemingly permanently broken, to see if I could resurrect it. It really *was* permanently broken, with no resurrection possible. Crud. Wasn’t a bad notebook, either I could have thrown it into the World Community Grid pile of machines I have.

Moving on…

On that notebook was a perfectly valid (but no longer used) XP Pro license, for 1 or 2 CPUs. Handy, since my desktop runs a VMWare instance with XP Pro on it (and it’s a dual-core machine, so VMWare can let the image use both cores if I want it to). Back when I originally installed it, I was in a hurry and just used the random Volume License Key that came with that installation image. Microsoft probably hates that, but screw ‘em — I have enough legitimate licenses (including one from my *other* old notebook, now not in use at all) to avoid any actual legal issues anyway.

Now, two nights ago, I had need for that VM for a bit. The “pressing” matter that caused me to fire it up in the first place went away before it actually finished booting (leave it to Windows to create the legitimate troubleshooting tactic of “just wait a minute…”), but I left it running anyway and it popped up its lovely “Updates are available!” balloon.

I ran the usual Microsoft Update widget, and it immediately insisted on downloading a newer version of the WGA toolkit, so it could nag at me before letting me download any other updates. It did so, then of course immediately barked at me for having used a pirated VLK. I’d been expecting this, so I had the newest “throwaway” laptop in my lap, license key in view, so I could punch the valid key into Microsoft’s handy “product key changing thingamajig.” I did *that*, and it popped up a little warning: “This key will require activation by telephone. Do you still want to continue?”

It was 2:00am. No, I didn’t really want to spend time on the phone explaining to Microsoft that I was transferring a valid key to a different system (that whole “doctrine of first sale” thing is a real bitch, isn’t it? ). I figured they wouldn’t even be around to actually talk to me anyway if I tried.

The solution? It was actually easier/faster to download the current WGA crack (hilariously, it’s not even a patch — it’s just a keygen, a change to the HOSTS file to stop WGA from phoning home, and a bundle of Microsoft’s own scripts to change the key to one that isn’t blacklisted) and use it than it was to legitimize a copy of XP that I had a lawful entitlement to use.

This is not good business. I understand that Vista is even more annoying about its activation/validation crap, but I laugh my ass off as I realize I’ve never actually even *tried* to pirate the damned thing, and not many other people seem to be, either. Heh. When even the pirates thumb their nose at your newest software, you’ve got some beefy problems.

It’s not good business to turn things into “prove you’re legitimate!” Screw you — prove I’m *not* legitimate. Manufacturers (and Microsoft, too) are so cheap these days that computers don’t even *include* a damned “installation CD” of just the OS — at best you’ll get a recovery CD that contains the OS, customized for the machine, plus all the add-on junk they shove onto every new build. At worst, you have to burn those discs yourself after you get the machine (ugh). The license to run XP included with a computer *is* transferable, even if Microsoft claims it isn’t — the doctrine of first sale explicitly grants me that right, even against the express wishes of the original manufacturer or author. Because of the environment this creates, though, to actually *transfer* XP from one computer to another, it’s actually easier and faster to *pirate* a damned installer CD image than it is to try to procure one legitimately through your computer’s manufacturer (they tend to charge for them, if they’re available at all).

If they ever actually pound on my door to demand entry to “audit” me, they’ll be told where to stick it, then they’ll be slapped with an injunction after I show perfectly valid license keys and total install counts (remember, it’s mostly Linux here) to a judge.

Even when people *try* to play by their rules, people get screwed with. It’s no wonder people don’t like trying to do business with these loons.