Welcome to My World

Switching my site back to a more reliable system where I have more direct control over things is both a good thing and a bad thing, but it’s good in that I have a much nicer stats suite available now and it gives me all sorts of funny amusing stuff to poke fun at. It also helps me more quickly find abusers and spammers to [plonk] into the killfile.

Here are just a few of the funnier/stranger search phrases that lead to my web site, along with my ever-so-helpful answers to these meaning-of-life caliber questions.

“How to get past store alarms”

This is apparently a pressing question on more than a few minds, as this query represents 4.4% of searches that end up on my site somehow. Here’s my advice on the subject

1. Don’t steal stuff.
   • No, really — that’s not just obvious and sarcastic — it’s the most effective way to walk past a store alarm unmolested, because you’ll have nothing actually “stolen” in your possession as you pass them.
2. Watch the clerk ring up your purchases, and ask them to double-check that they’ve disabled all those stupid fucking tags on whatever random electronic gadget you’re buying
   • This gets overlooked more often than you’d think, even with more recent registers and scanners equipped with deactivation pads that make an obnoxious noise when they disable the tags. Always make sure you listen for that noise yourself, and if you don’t hear it and thought you should, ask. The worst you’ll get is an annoyed look from the clerk, and you were probably getting those anyway
3. I’m not actually going to tell you how to defeat the security measures a store uses to stop incompetent shoplifters. If you’re bad enough at it that those little sensors actually cause you trouble, quit now and find something else to occupy your time, because your “life of crime” will suck ass and you will be in jail soon if you keep it up.

“Sunpass account number”

Yes, this is something you’re given once Sunpass (the name of the organization that manages the automated toll systems in Florida) finally gets around to setting up your account (they abscond with your money for days sometimes before finally activating you or updating your balance). Sunpass isn’t a very popular organization (and they even got spanked by a judge recently too for trying to automatically ticket drivers with valid, active, and funded Sunpass accounts (there are supposed to be fallback methods of billing your account if you drive through a Sunpass lane and your transponder doesn’t work for some reason). But I’m still not going to give you my account number or help you figure out how to find someone else’s (or how to generate any). I don’t actually know, and wouldn’t tell you if I did

“Do fire alarms go off just by touching them?”

Sure, if you “touch” them hard enough. If you mean “if I bump that big red ‘push here, then pull’ fire alarm with my finger, will it go off?” then probably “no.” A good rule of thumb though is “don’t touch emergency equipment of any kind unless you really mean it.” There are three occasions where you’ll want anything to do with emergency gear:

1. You’re testing it (and you’re authorized/being paid to do so).
2. There’s an actual emergency.
3. You’re the person who’s expected to handle an emergency (fireman, police officer, building owner, etc.).

“Picture photo dressed up woman in skirt”

I’m seven pages down the list on Google’s search results for this amusing query, and really, if you’re after upskirts that badly, just search for “upskirt” and click “Images.” Turn off “SafeSearch” for the good stuff. The rest of this search phrase is kinda silly, though — “picture photo” is redundant (pick one — it’ll figure it out), and usually if you search for “skirt” you’ll find women wearing them. If you’re after a crossdresser or a tranny, stick the appropriate word in there and the search engines will do the rest

“Cell phone sets off alarms stores”

No, they don’t. The only cell phones that set off alarms are the kind you haven’t taken out of the box yet that you try to walk out of a store with, without paying for it first and/or deactivating the security tag.

“Do banks charge for notary?”

Depends:

• If they even have a notary:
  • No, if you’re a customer.
  • Yes, if you’re not a customer, and even this assumes they’ll even do notary for you at all if you’re not a customer (I’ve seen banks stupidly turn away free fucking money by refusing to perform notary services for non-customers even as they notarize a document for free for a customer and that same customer asks them to notarize something for the non-customer, even if there’s a fee involved).

The real pisser about notary publics is you either get it done for free (if they’re a friend or a friend of someone you know that can arrange it), or it costs you whatever the state statutes say they can get away with charging (it’s absolutely never anywhere in the middle — if the state says they can charge ten bucks a page, they’ll always charge ten bucks a page, even if they’re allowed to charge five bucks per page … you’d think open competition would drive prices down, but no…).

“Doll roleplay dress undress bra”

Dude, I dunno how the fuck this term brings anybody to this site, but I’ll admit I do enjoy the prospect of peeling a bra off an attractive lady I’m not into the dress-up doll thing and roleplaying has to be done just right for it not to turn seriously awkward, creepy, or laugh-out-loud funny (all three of these are mood killers ).

Next month I’ll post again to see what the latest inquiring minds seeking knowledge are actually curious about