Welcome to My World

This is something I’ve always been proud of when I read about or see someone doing this kind of thing. I’ve done it myself, too, and this article gets it dead-on right: the feeling you get when you do this is one of intense liberation and pride. Standing up for yourself always feels good anyway, whether you’re the lone body standing in front of an advancing tank (I’m taking on that role in a private (for now) issue actually, I suspect) or just the first voice to cry “foul” in a crowd of people who will soon follow (I’ll be transitioning to this more desirable role in that “private” issue when the time is right), doing the right thing because it’s fucking right is exhilarating.

The sad thing is, this one’s not hard, and it’s something that should be obvious to just about everyone in America, but it isn’t: if you buy something at a store like Walmart or Target, and you walk past those stupid sensors, and they actually go off, keep walking.

March of the Sheep

I’d love to find out exactly how we all spontaneously got trained that when an alarm goes off as we leave a store, we’re supposed to stop until some asshole signs off on our receipt after scribbling down lots of numbers and notes on a pad.

We, as a culture, defer so readily to anyone interested in claiming authority — we flat out hand ourselves to people who usually don’t deserve it. Our government is restricted (in theory) from unlawfully searching us or seizing our property, from holding and detaining us without pressing charges, and from trying us in a secret court (heh, oh crap, these protections are slowly going away too … crud).

What Can They Really Do?

When “they” are a security monkey or other store employee, a person who asks you to stop and come back into the store can generally only force you to do this: not a damned thing.

Walk straight through the alarm and go to your car — they can’t actually do anything.

There are plenty of stories about overzealous security workers who tackle “violators” to the ground (instant lawsuit — even actual shoplifters win judgments against stores for this), chase people out to their cars (this never ends well for the store), or use physical intimidation to “scare” violators into complying with random orders. Being prepared to react to and deal with this special breed of moron is the best, sure-fire way to make certain you don’t go to jail for standing up for yourself. If you’re really good, you may hit a corporate lottery by winning a big ol’ sack of cash.

They can’t physically detain you (check local laws first, though — there are sometimes loopholes that let even the slightest bit of alleged misbehavior serve as grounds to at least stop you from leaving until the police arrive), or physically stop you leaving the store … this is generally considered unlawful arrest and if you have a reliable witness or two, you can not only go after the store in civil court but have the actual rent-a-cop him/herself thrown in jail for awhile for doing it.

What Should You Do?

Right. A simple flowchart-style thing… this should be fun. The whole event starts when the stupid alarm at the front of the store goes off — the idiot cashier forgot to deactivate the “asset protection tags” on everything in your order, or a tag got wedged in your cart, or you’re actually stealing something (heh).

1. Don’t bother stopping. Don’t stall, slow down, or even look around looking for someone else to “blame.” Assume something in your cart set it off. Be prepared for someone to confront you, and maybe even try to stop you, but assume nobody will actually make a huge deal out of it. In most cases, they won’t. Keep walking, head for your car, at your normal, comfortable pace.

2. Remind yourself, throughout the encounter, that you haven’t actually done anything wrong (assuming this is actually true, of course — if you’re actually shoplifting and you’re pulling this stunt, you’ve got bigger balls than I’ve got). People in positions of limited (read: “no”) power try to take power from you to use against you … don’t give them any.

3. Also remind yourself to stay calm no matter what happens next. If a security minion can provoke you into saying (or doing) something stupid, it gives them the authority they need to detain you or have you arrested and charged even if you’ve done nothing at all wrong.

4. If you’re confronted verbally within the store, just keep on walking. Don’t necessarily ignore the minion asking (or demanding) that you stop, but don’t slow down or stop to explain that you’re busy and don’t have time to deal with their paranoid security policies. Explain it as you continue your stroll to your car. If your assailant actually follows you outside the store (or better yet, all the way to your car), continue to be polite but firm — “no, you may not inspect my receipt; I paid for these items and I’m taking them home … you can have your shopping cart back in just a moment once I have unloaded the stuff I just paid for out of the cart and into my car.”

5. If you’re physically threatened (but not actually blocked) from leaving, call their bluff and non-violently challenge whatever “blockade” they put up. This can take the form of standing in your path through the front door (without completely blocking it, but perhaps forcing you to back up and go around them), or standing a few feet behind your car so that, presumably, you can’t back out without risking running them over. If they block a door but leave a way through, take the way through. Touch no one — be very careful. If they stand behind your car, ostensibly to block you in while recording your license plate number, just call out the window after you’ve started your car and put it in reverse to say something like “I’m leaving now, so you might want to move if you don’t want to see what’s under my car … don’t worry, I’ll drive away slowly enough that you can write down my license plate.” Anyone who’s “bluffing” will either just stand there as you walk past him/her at the door, or get out of your way when you actually start to back out your car. Sorry, but risking life and limb to protect Walmart’s bottom line isn’t worth the $30k a year they pay their loss prevention people. Someone who actually physically blocks you is dealt with in the next little blurb.

6. If someone actually stops you by blocking all available exits thoroughly enough that you can’t get through without pushing the idiot out of the way (this includes refusing to move out of the way when you’re backing out your car, forcing you, literally, to run the asshole over if you want out), don’t take the bait. Obviously, they want you to take the bait (these rare people are insane, just so you know). Don’t push, don’t shove, don’t threaten. If you haven’t already said it, now’d be a great time to speak, clearly, calmly, an objection to what’s going on and a request for it to end. “You have no right to detail me and I want to leave. Please get out of my way.” If your assailant refuses, contact the authorities yourself. If you’ve got a cell phone, whip it out and call 911. Tell the operator you’re being unlawfully held against your will by a retail store. If you haven’t got a cell phone, find the nearest phone (whether at a cashier’s booth or not); find an outside line, and dial 911. Same thing. Get the police involved — don’t get violent or severely mouthy. It won’t help.

If you get past the fourth step, it’s time to at least talk to a lawyer. Remember — a store monkey can’t search your bags, search your person, or stop you from leaving the property. Don’t let them do it.

Pilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are ruthless in punishing little thieves.
— Diogenes