It’s a rare day when I step in (having successfully defended myself against a nonsensical lawsuit from an idiotic company) to say a “big evil corporation” actually deserved to win one, but today’s that day.

I have an unfortunate tendency (which I openly admit) to basically assume any big company is automatically evil because it is big. I suppose the charming “pearl of wisdom” that tells us to “hate the game, not the playa,” applies here — folks argue all the time about whether companies like Wal-Mart or Starbucks are good or bad for the economy overall, because they both move in, crush local stores, and replace higher-paying jobs with lower-paying ones, but at the same time, they bring good products at low prices (comparatively; I know Starbucks isn’t the cheapest coffee in the world).

Proctor & Gamble haven’t done anything specifically to piss me off (another interesting point: we tend to only really hate companies that have fucked with us personally somehow; Intel once tried (and failed) to have me fired by taking advantage of their leverage with HP (their partner on the hilariously late and underpowered “Merced” beast) because I posted a one-liner in a newsgroup about Intel’s CPUs sucking compared to AMD’s (true at the time), so I’ve never bought another of their products), so I’m not “hateful” of them or their products.

If you’re going to “hate” a big corporation, it should be for a good reason. My intense disliking of Intel for directly trying to fuck with my personal income is a “good” reason, but a better one is their stuff’s more expensive, runs hotter, and isn’t as fast as its competition (yes, there are exceptions to this, but you’re not going to ever be disappointed in a machine running AMD gear and you’re going to pay a lot less for it). That was handy

You should dislike a company for doing consistently bad things to the environment (Exxon), or for making consistently shitty products (Intel, Microsoft, Chrysler, uh … most of the rest, too ), or for charging way too much for mediocre products (Sony), or for treating its employees (or suppliers) like shit (Nike), or lying through its teeth about what it sells or how it sells it (Amway).

Every corporation’s goal is to make money (a few for-profits are created for philanthropic or “other” purposes, like “I want to create a business with the sole intention of fucking up XYZ’s life because XYZ treated me like shit in high school”), so we can’t automatically hate a company for making shitloads of money even if they’ve done so by seriously stupid means. Nobody has any right, for example, to complain that their cell phone provider makes “too much money.” You’re fucking paying them, dumbass! All your complaints about them aside, you still write ‘em a check every month instead of doing something more productive to address your complaints.

All that long-winded introduction had a purpose, I promise. Proctor & Gamble just emerged the victor in a lawsuit it launched against four people who distributed products for Amway. Heh. Yeah. A big “we make lots of weird shit” company sued the manufacturer of shitty cosmetics (sold by a predatory multi-level marketing/pyramid scheme). Why’d they sue (and subsequently win)?

Because the four distributors not only attempted but actually succeeded in convincing some of P&G’s potential customers that the company supported Satantic cults.

Yeah.

They tried to sway buyers (the article claims this rumor had “proved popular with evangelicals in the US” — truly the pinnacles of intellectual behavior and thought, renowned the world over for their reasonable and balanced approach to all things) away from their competitors by virtue of their competitors secretly loving Satan.

First, it’s fucked up that P&G actually had to sue to stop this shit in the first place. It should not have happened in the first place, for many, many reasons.

Second, the fact that this kind of thing could even work at all just disgusts me. This teaches me something very frightening about an “Evangelical Christian:” convince him that some random product is made by a company that worships his god’s supernatural opponents, with whatever pathetic, weak, “really proves nothing” anecdotal evidence you can think of, and he will actually boycott the company’s products.

How the fuck does that even work? Is that person so insanely stupid that this works on everything? Are their kids that gullible, too? “Don’t drink Pepsi, because it’s made by SATAN WORSHIPERS!”

Hating a company because you “heard” it hates something your religion requires you to love is seriously stupid. You could at least have the balls to call that company up and ask it “uh, do you guys worship Satan?” Obviously they’re going to say “no, dude, wtf?” in a polite, legalese-filled way, but if you have your suspicions even after that, ask “what about the arrangement of the stars on your products?”

I love this dose of irony though, again, from the article:

During the 1960s, a story began circulating that the corporation was controlled by Satan worshipers. A moon-star symbol was used by the company on many of its products from 1882 to 1985, which was considered suspect.

The stars in fact stand for the thirteen original American colonies. But the arrangement of stars in the symbol was said to secretly spell out the Revelation 13:18 “number of the beast”: 666. The logo, though, is still used and remains a recognized brand outside of the United States.

So, the very symbol that is supposedly “satantic” is actually a patriotic nod to the country the company was founded in — the company’s founders followed that “American Dream” thingy, made a company to make lots and lots of money, and all of a sudden the dumbass constituents of that very same country, who all wave that flag on their own whenever they can, attack this company’s symbol because it’s evil … completely missing the subtle “thanks” printed on every fucking product they made. At least in other countries it’s still recognized as something decent instead of this dumb boneheaded “evil” crap.

For once I’m happy to see the big company win this one. There’s no sense in lying about a company just to kill it. Tell people the truth if you think there’s something sinister or wrong — people will (eventually) figure it out themselves … unless they’re Evangelicals, who, apparently, have to be told exactly what to think about everyone and everything.

Sigh.

Keep patting your enemy on the back until a small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
— Joe Bonanno