[NSFW warning: No pictures in this one, but definitely “work-offensive” written material herein. Enjoy at your own risk :)]

It’s time to dissect yet another semi-tongue-in-cheek list of sexist crap. This one’s called 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex, and it’s filled with lots of disinformation. Note, though, that unlike other lists I’ve ripped through, I actually do agree with a few of these items. The list was created in response to another list, describing 50 mistakes men make, so I’ll be ripping through that one next.

Open Up, Put It In … Let’s Begin

Heh. I still love that stupid song (the Whistle Song). Hehehe. I’m better now.

1 - Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you.

ahem Please. This isn’t a mistake; it’s a very, very safe assumption. With the exception of the few times that I was actually sick (as in “I have the flu” or “I have a fever of over 103”), I have never (read that again: never) had a problem getting aroused within a minute or two of my mate deciding she wanted to jump my bones. This includes times when I was intensely focused on work and didn’t actually want to have sex — just her suggestion that I stop what I’m doing to have a good romp was enough to activate the gear.

Humanity has even invented a fucking pill (heh) to help men who can’t get erections on demand.

Sorry, progressives — this is a function of human biology. Men are generally pretty much always ready for sex.

2 - Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time.

I partially agree here, though the tone suggests that it’s better to, for the most part, just kiss each other so hard you strip the enamel off each other’s teeth. It isn’t.

A passionate kiss when you hit that magic peak is seriously hot, but slow, loving kisses (especially during sex) can bring your (and her) blood to a boil.

3 - Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

Wow. And just think — this guy presumably gets laid once in awhile. I disagree with this list item completely: it is my job to get my partner off. Conversely, that makes it hers to get me off.

However, that’s the wrong terminology. It’s not a “job” — it’s what we should want to do when are together. I want her to come so hard her toes curl and her eyes roll. She wants me to explode into a grunting, heaving critter incapable of speech as I melt inside her.

4 - Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

Well, thanks for yanking yourself out of the group of people I need to worry about for competition.

I hate this myth — sex (including orgasm) does not make me pass out. I have no trouble staying awake and cuddling/snuggling after sex. Hell, I am quite frequently eager for a second round of sex after “finishing” the first round and cuddling for a few minutes. Remember: cuddling means you get to touch her more. Fucking duh … holding the woman you’ve just made love to, smiling at her as she smiles back, talking to her, touching her all over … all of that is a serious turn-on. Resets the equipment and primes it for another go, really really quickly.

5 - Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

Fuck you, buddy; I’d rather cradle a lover “awkwardly” in sleep than sleep 8 hours soundly. Besides, if you do it right, “that shit” is not uncomfortable after awhile.

6 - Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

Partially agreed here, though I firmly believe it is my responsibility to make more of an effort to turn on a mate than to just walk up, say “purdy woman, fuck me now” and expect her to just start dripping at the mere hint of letting me bang her.

Charm and romance are not always necessary, but just expecting to be able to spontaneously peel her clothes off and “stick it in” is inappropriate. Men can be ready for sex at a moment’s notice. “Technically,” a woman doesn’t have to be “ready” for sex to happen, but unless you seriously hate your lover or don’t give a shit about her, you’re not doing to just “take” her bone dry.

Hurt her like that and you’ll never get a second chance to do better.

Remember, she can start things off, too, even if she’s not in the mood. Putting on something sexy (or taking off things in a sexy way) will do the trick, or a bit of flirting, or even a simple “I want you to throw me down and fuck me” can be a serious turn-on (c’mon — it’s hot to be ordered to do something you really like doing anyway ).

7 - Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

This is one I actually agree with entirely.

One caveat: a woman who’s selfish in bed is far less common than a man who is.

That’s not to say I haven’t met one or two; I’ve been with a couple women in the past who actually achieved orgasm, then told me “we can stop now” even though I pointed out I hadn’t gotten mine yet. They didn’t much care. I’m quite glad I’m not with either of them.

8 - Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.

Another winner. However, I know the answer to this: men come up with most of that shit. You read it right: Cosmo and other rags like it outsource much of their content authoring, and much of that tripe is written by male ghost writers. Assholes.

9 - Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

This is so offensive, it actually makes me sad to think there are people who think like this.

Guys, this one’s important: if she is being kind enough to put your genitals in her mouth, you have no right whatsoever to just “shove” her head down on it further if you don’t like what she’s doing.

If she’s doing something wrong, speak up, don’t just shove her head like she’s a puppet. Forget “clues” and “signals.” Fucking tell her what you’re thinking.

10 - Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

Sometimes true, sometimes not — what if what she’s experiencing/feeling is so intense that she can’t do much? Heh. Oh, wait, people who think like this tend not to put their lovers in that much-desired position.

11 - Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

Yeah, you whore — you do all the work. Be fucking grateful I’m not just fucking you through my pants.

Bleh. This is obnoxious. Yeah, I’m not going to be incredibly graceful undressing, but for fuck’s sake, I could at least have the courtesy not to act like a caged, rabid animal about to taste my first dose of freedom.

12 - Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

Bullshit. Where’s that “he’s about to get some pussy” reasoning here? I’ll still caress those legs even if there’s stubble. I don’t much care about that sort of thing — after all, you’re letting me touch them, right?

13 - Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

More bullshit. Your body — trim it how you like. Thanks for letting me play with it anyway And at the risk of sounding terribly crude here, um, well, there isn’t any hair inside, which is where my bits ultimately want to go anyway.

Oh, and hair doesn’t actually grow on the important parts, so you can, er, what’s the word … oh yeah: move hair out of the way to give her genitals the attention they deserve.

14 - Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

Wow, how enlightened. This really depends on how you pick up your mate — if you’ve been dating for months and you’ve just started having sex, yes, you can generally assume sex means a relationship. If you’re just bar hopping, though, nailing whatever talks to you and buys you a drink, this advice is actually true.

Of course, my former roommate has demonstrated she has no problem with this one — apparently guys all over can throw their hot dogs down her hallway, leave a mess, and go home, and she doesn’t much care. Lots of guys apparently enjoy that, so she should be in good shape for awhile until her age catches up with her or her pregnancy wrecks her figure.

15 - Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

Er, I’m confused here. Women actually withhold giving oral sex to their mates because they’re on their period? Huh? What does the one have to do with the other? Is she just thinking since she’s on her period, he won’t give her head?

Two points here: 1) I will give oral sex to a woman whether she’s having her period or not. We live in fucking 2006 here, folks — old towels aren’t hard to find, and neither is soap. I can clean off later. It so doesn’t matter right now — in fact, giving her an intense orgasm during her period can seriously relieve cramps and PMS-related symptoms. Selfish bastards, give her some relief instead of whining about a bit of blood. 2) I do not attach any strings to my giving oral sex either (that could well be the worst pun ever, having just mentioned oral sex during a period ) — I do not expect to get head just because I give it. I hope to, yes, but I do not get angry or offended if she isn’t in the mood for that. Instead, I just dive back down there and enjoy her taste.

16 - Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

Cute and funny, but not always accurate.

Yes, I am actually pretty good at gaging how she’s doing by the sounds she makes. It’s the kind of thing you can learn by actually paying attention. And, by the way, it’s a pretty damned clear sign that you’re doing something right when she’s arching her back, whimpering like a lost puppy, and pulling your hair hard as her breathing approaches “hyperventilating” territory.

Words help, but aren’t always necessary.

17 - Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

True, and funny. Having condoms handy doesn’t make you a slut — in fact, it shows some responsibility and maturity. Running around nailing everything with a penis without protection and getting yourself knocked up? That makes you a slut.

18 - Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

Agreed, but only in the right context. Calling her a “whore” ain’t the right way to kick off your foreplay, unless she’s actually made it clear to you that’s what she’s in the mood for. You have to have a strong relationship to do this kind of thing and you still have to make sure she knows you’re roleplaying, and that what you’re saying isn’t a reflection of how you really feel about her.

19 - Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

I’ll give her this one. Spot on. Sex in a car is a total blast sometimes

20 - Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

True. But instead of “forcing” it with such a harsh statement like “readjust your thinking,” try actually teaching her how good a quickie can be, guys. I actually have a bit of trouble with quickies anyway … I’m not a “minuteman” (yes, Mr. Typical Guy, I am officially your worst nightmare) and having to rush to “bust a nut” is something I’m not fond of. Still, like the original author above points out, quickies do have a certain hotness to them that an hours-long romp doesn’t, in certain situations.

21 - Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

Yeah, because if you didn’t tell him ahead of time not to sodomize you because you hate it and you’re embarrassed to say it, it’s okay if he does it (“how could he have known?”).

Sorry, fellas, but the “cinnamon ring” is off-limits until she tells you otherwise. A rimjob is one thing — but shoving something up there unexpectedly is a practically guaranteed way to get a pained yelp and a cockpunch. In fact, I think that’s actually in the Constitution, isn’t it? If it’s not, we need an amendment immediately that makes it a guaranteed right to be able to punch a guy right in the crotch (hard) if he shoves something into your butt without permission.

Anyway, back to the main point here — yes, you should be able to talk to your mate about your sexual preferences, but if you are shy about something, your mate shouldn’t automatically assume it’s because you just don’t know how to say “yes.” Guys, assume you can do nothing unless she says it’s okay.

22 - Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

Okay, fine, I hate bras They are evil things to take off. Still, it’s nice when you help take them off, but it’s even sexier to teach me how by putting my hands there and helping me do it myself.

23 - Undressing in the dark. If youre [sic] shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

Meh, not a huge deal really. It’s nice to look, sure, but it’s much nicer to touch. If she feels the need to dive under the covers because she’s shy, that’s fine. I’ll be right there under those covers with her, distracting her with lots of pleasing sensations. I’ll get to see her afterward, when she’s not shy anymore because her orgasms are still lingering.

24 - Refusing to get on top. Theres [sic] no reason men should have to do all the work.

Partially agreed … though this isn’t something a guy should just expect. Varying positions is a good thing, but you should rotate through positions you enjoy too, not just those he wants.

25 - Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

Oddly enough I’ve not experienced the “bored look” phenomenon; if she’s bored, do something that interests her Seems pretty simple to me.

26 - Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

Agreed; this one’s actually good idea.

27 - Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when hes [sic] touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

Of course, like my comment about how a man should never just shove his woman’s head onto his crotch, she should avoid doing the same (at least, in a “rude,” forceful way). It’s pretty sexy when she gives me a gentle shove down her chest towards her crotch

28 - Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

I’ll give her this one, too. This is annoying. I’ve had this happen before. It’s frustrating and irritating.

29 - Refusing to let him take control. So your [sic] a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

Being entirely subservient isn’t exactly healthy either. Try taking turns — be in charge sometimes, but give him the reigns sometimes.

30 - Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

Heh! Lookit that Guess she read my mind on this one.

31 - Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too.

True, but men can also point out they like this kind of thing, too.

32 - Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

This just made me laugh, well, my balls off. Please establish a relationship with my balls. Seriously — send them Christmas cards, call them up to invite them out for tea, etc.

Seriously, though, I’ve not really ever had this problem. I don’t actually think many women ignore them … if she’s down there anyway with hands or mouth, she’s very likely already touching them.

33 - Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

Somewhat true, but it’s equally rude to make a mess inside somebody you supposedly care about without being willing to participate in the cleanup. Then again, most men will cheerfully abandon their female partners to clean up the mess themselves, sometimes even including all that pesky “pregnancy” stuff.

34 - Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

Reading this one made me snicker at the thought of a couple actually getting into this kind of argument in the midst of sex. Has anyone ever actually complained of being objectified by a request for the “Russian Muscle Fuck?”

35 - Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

This one’s very true. I’m actually guilty of being “too gentle” sometimes myself. On the same token, though, women can get a little rough with their mates, too … we’re not fragile either

36 - Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

I dunno about this one — there’s definitely a difference between “making love” and “fucking.” I’ve done both, of course, and they’re both lots and lots of fun. But there’s still a difference. What you do with her on a quiet evening together after you’ve given her a massage and cuddled with her on the couch for a few hours is “love making.” What you do with her when you haven’t even gotten to touch her for a week and she’s finally come home again — that’s “fucking.”

“Make-up sex” (i.e. the sex you have after you make up from a fight, or that you have to make up from a fight) is definitely “fucking,” too.

37 - Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

I agree with this one, too. Where’s my midget?!?! My lease won’t let me keep a goat, so I have to settle for a midget.

38 - Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

Um, no. Diatribe time.

My ex-wife and I used to swing. Didn’t do it much, because we found it obnoxious — sorting out what two people want (she and I) was difficult enough, but mixing a third or fourth person into it was a complete pain in the ass.

Whether you are willing to admit it to yourself (or anyone else) or not, asking your partner for a threesome does communicate some amount of dissatisfaction with what you’re currently getting.

Threesomes are overrated anyway — they don’t tend to end up like porn shows off. In general, you end up “taking turns” — two of the three couple and “service” each other, while the third watches. Someone comes (sometimes both do), then they switch off; someone gets a break and someone dives straight into round two.

A man asking for a threesome is telling his partner “look, I want to add another man/woman to this mix because I want/need more than what you give me.” It can be seriously damaging/hurtful to your partner to say something like this.

39 - Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

Heh. I never knew about this (and I’ve never experienced it from a woman, I don’t think). I can’t really dispute this piece of advice

40 - Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

Eh, not so sure about this being a bad thing. Rip up my back if you want — that’s kinda sexy I’m not entirely sure how you “snag the goods with a claw” though.

41 - Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

Heh! It’s also a good source of protein!

(In case you couldn’t guess, I actually agree with this one) If you’re upset about it landing on you somewhere, be happy that it’s not landing in you somewhere.

42 - Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

Again, silence isn’t always a bad thing. Don’t exaggerate your appreciation of his skills (or lack thereof), either; this does two bad things: first, it stops him trying to improve himself, and second, it means he’ll give the same shitty performance to the next girl if he’s lousy.

43 - Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

Heh! What’d I just say?

44 - Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

Okay, there’s an “upper limit” to even my tolerance threshold, but it is indeed very far up there. Didn’t shower today? I don’t care. Didn’t shower in the last week? Okay, that’ll bug me, but you don’t have to be straight-out-of-the-shower fresh for me to be interested. You still probably smell/taste just fine, and it’s doubtful that a bit of slathering from my tongue wouldn’t get rid of an unwanted taste/scent.

45 - Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

Er, so what about that whole anal sex thing earlier? So if you “giggle and say no” to anal sex, you’re really just lying and you mean “please put it in my butt,” but suddenly you’re a horrible person if you even try to put something inside him? Bleh.

This rule should actually be applied to both genders equally — nothing goes in without permission

46 - Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

Agreed. Also, towels are mighty helpful, too.

47 - Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

Of course, being with your woman, who’s just finished her “before bed” ritual and now has no reason to get out of bed again even after you’ve both finished playing with each other, is pretty damned cool — you have sex, you cuddle for awhile, and talk each other to sleep while holding each other. Sweet.

48 - Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

Ugh — E used to do this (she never changed her sheets, which I found horribly cruel since even after “breaking up with me” (twice) she still encouraged me to sleep in her bed, knowing she’d “entertained” her asshole ex/re-boyfriend in that bed) … almost every time after sex she’d hop in the shower.

Makes you feel a bit bad when your mate showers every time you touch her intimately.

49 - Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not ok.

I’m surprised this kind of thing isn’t just common sense. It’s also probably not a big deal in the first place — if it comes up (heh, bad pun, sorry), just like this advice suggests, do something different for a bit (hell, even making out might “fix things”) and it’ll go away on its own.

I’m still curious though how often this problem actually happens, and why it’s considered a problem in the first place (apart from actual medical conditions) — if you “fall asleep” whilst in the midst of a romp between the sheets, you probably weren’t in the mood in the first place.

50 - Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

I think I disagree with this one a bit, too — questions like “did you like it when I …?” are wonderful.

Don’t be fooled: talk after sex is okay, and is to be encouraged How am I supposed to know whether you want an encore if I can’t talk to ‘ya a bit?

The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
— Alfred De Musset