It seems we (as in, Americans) are taught this lesson the hard way over and over again, yet we continue to refuse to actually learn it. It turns out, yet again, as it always has, that if all you ever teach your kids about sex is “not to do it,” they’ll end up thinking they can prevent HIV with bleach and avoid pregnancy with Mountain Dew.

Die-hard abstinence proponents absolutely hate hearing shit like this, because this is the strongest evidence you can ever present to them that their preferred sex education curriculum doesn’t work.

Why is this so damned hard to figure out? This is how we reproduce, folks. There are urges that are not really controllable by the rational mind, especially once the reproductive gear matures in a young adult and starts sending the “uh, boss, we’re ready to rock down here, let’s go get some nookie!”

“Sex is bad, m’kay? You shouldn’t have sex until you’re married, m’kay?” doesn’t answer any fucking questions (heh — great pun there, eh?). Even a basic understanding of how a man and woman create a baby would completely eliminate all these absolutely stupid “rumors” and “theories” about sexual reproduction. All of it.

The only kids who think “drinking bleach will cure HIV” are the ones who were just lectured “don’t ever stick it in anybody/don’t ever let anyone stick it in you until you’re married!” A person who comprehends that HIV spreads by fluid exchange, and who understands that both men and women produce (and exchange) fluids during sexual intercourse, immediately understands very obvious, simple things by a matter of logical induction: “if my genitals can absorb disease from fluids my partner puts on or in them, I can prevent that from happening by wearing/making him wear a condom.” They will also understand that drinking bleach will probably just hurt or kill them, not eliminate a viral infection inside the body.

The only kids who think “drinking a shot of Mountain Dew prevents me/her from getting pregnant” are the ones who were warned never to have sex outside of marriage (remember, the more “fundamental” folks among us believe that once you’re married, having kids is okay, so you shouldn’t ever use contraception or protection at all even when you’re married — some religions consider contraception a mortal sin). A person who understands that a man emits millions of sperm cells every time he has sex, and that just one of them is enough to impregnate his partner if she has recently emitted an egg and the sperm cell reach it within her body, immediately understands that using a condom to keep sperm out of the woman’s body or using medicine (the pill, the patch, an injection, etc.) to prevent emission or incubation of eggs will prevent pregnancy. They will also understand that drinking a shot of Mountain Dew will just give a momentary (hopefully pleasant, depending on the drinker’s tastes and preferences) sensation of flavor and fizziness on the tongue and then a few minutes later give a little caffeine-based burst of energy.

Another funny theory is that smoking marijuana can also prevent pregnancy. The only thing weed would actually do to the sexual experience is, well, add more giggling, and probably make it last a bit longer (it’s a mild depressant, so think “impotence” here, but since everybody’s in such a good mood, it’s giggle-worthy instead of tease-worthy). If teens are involved, we can add in that fun “paranoia” bit, too. That always makes it more interesting.

I’m a huge opponent of abstinence-only teaching for two big reasons. The first is that it’s almost always rooted in lazy thinking (“I don’t want to have to talk to my kids about their sex organs”), or its closely-related cousin, religious thinking (“it’s a mortal sin to think dirty, filthy, impure thoughts or to act upon them, unless it’s to spawn a new member in a church-sanctioned fashion, but even then, don’t enjoy it too much!”). The second is that it never fucking works.

This spreading of rumors and theories about Mountain Dew, marijuana (apparently smoking weed also prevents pregnancy, according to the average Floridian student), and bleach is a direct result of kids taking random guesses because they don’t honestly know any better. That, or it was the direct result of a smart kid taking advantage of the ignorance abstinence-only sex ed creates and simply “creating” one of these theories out of thin air so he/she could get laid without using a rubber. “C’mon, baby, just drink a double-shot of Mountain Dew if you’re worried! We don’t need any protection if we’re using this. Here, I’ll drink two as well, and we can smoke some weed later to make sure we’re safe.” Heh. Okay, that’s actually pretty funny Then again, do you want your kid to be this gullible on such an important subject?